Sobriety is claiming me!

I feel this overwhelming need to write today. I sit down to do that and I don't know exactly what is driving that need. I finally decide its all the changes that are happening around me. Changes everywhere.

Life was idyllic one year ago. Working at the hospital, going out with friends, having a good time. Not much aim but one didn't care. Then came the end of internship. With that came worries about the future. Will I get into postgraduation? Is my decision to go abroad going to work out? I didn't know. I still don't know even now that I am here. I feel the struggle in everyone. To make a mark. To get to a place where one can feel content. But what is also beginning is a new dream of being independant, not in terms of breaking away emotionally, but in terms of discovering how equipped one is to get on in the world. I see this in everyone around me. My friends who were in Medical college with me, especially.

The people I graduated with are on the point of entering post graduation. Some are on the point of getting married. Some already are. Everyone is changing in their own way. This is frightening. It makes me think if I am competent enough to be like them. Am I "grown up" enough?But then I question myself- What is being "grown-up"? Its just being ready to be. If I want to be my own person, I am already on my way to being one.

Has coming away been a good or a bad decision? I struggle with that thought everyday. Not having my mom to hug, my sister to laugh with. Not having my cousins to hang around with. Being away from my friends.No jasmine to smell. No street vendors to get woken up by. All these things which were so woven into me. Suddenly gone.

I look back and I see all the great moments of life. The friends in primary school, the quarrels, making up.The silly giggles and crushes in High school.The mostly disciplined but sometimes uproarious times in PU college. The wonderful moments in medical college where I made friends and memories for life.All this looks like a rosy dream. In sharp contrast to now. Today is filled with uncertainty, with fear of a kind, with responsibility. This is not a good place to be, I think. But then I think again. All those things which gave me the great memories weren't a party everyday. Some of those days were hard too. I almost quit Medical College after the first day. But somehow I decided to stick it, and its been something I will cherish. So , even now, complain as I may, I may be making memories for life. The process is a struggle. But if it wasn't, the reward wouldn't feel right.

Like everthing else so far in life, this will be another gamble. Because all my decisions have worked out, they haven't felt like gambles so far. But they were. Maybe this one will work out too . Maybe it wont.The journey is not a bed of roses. But I can say this much. It is an exciting one.