MICU

Its great to be able to live in the moment; its excellent to enjoy the journey and not focus on the result. If you can do it, that is. If not, hindsight is your answer. I divide my life into what-fun and only-when-I-look-back-will-this-be-fun activities. Ideally we would all have the former all the time, but remember what chemistry teacher said about ideal gases? "There is no-o such thing, children."

MICU- the Medical Intensive Care Unit, is one of the required rotations for an internal medicine resident, which is what I am these days. I am halfway through the one month rotation and every fourth day, I am on call for a continuous period of thirty hours. I come in one day, stay the night and leave the next day at noon. During this time, I admit people who are ill enough to be in the ICU. I also cover for the other three lucky ass residents who get to go home. So roughly the job about managing twenty five to thirty patients. More importantly, its about dealing with half that many nurses.

In my top ten list of the places to be at two AM, the ICU will not figure. No,really. 'In bed sleeping' will be the top eight. The other two will be 'watching movie' and 'gossiping with friend'. And why will this unique experience not make the list? A. Three beepers, all going off, alternately, all night. B.Twelve ICU nurses who have been there an average of ten years, letting you know what their opinion is of you, the poor eight month old resident. C. Ill and dying patients. All this every fourth day is enough to make life in that moment not so desirable. The resulting muscle ache also probably supplies about half the income of the pain killer industry.

That being said, I still find the strength to make it to the hospital and win the struggle with my cowardly self. This mystery can only be explained by the power of hindsight. Each on-call night drags by, but each morning there is this brilliant moment where one of my colleagues coming in to work asks me, "How was your call?" Then I look back and try to relive the night. Although I do remember the frustrations, the things I recall most vividly are things which like one of the nurses telling me, " Take a deep breath. It only seems like this will never end." Other gems like one of my ninety year old patients telling me she thinks I am doing a great job with her (She is ninety and sick enough to be in the ICU. There's your explanation for that!), and that one patient among several who get better overnight, make me believe that it wasn't such a bad time after all. This also gives me the shaky confidence to believe that I may even survive to the end of the month.

Yes, what-fun moments need to happen in life. The more, the better. However, one has to fill in the gaps too. What better way than thinking, "I am going to look back on this moment and feel like I have lived!"